Boogies Nightclub
Security was tight as we made our way to the front door. Our purses were searched and we were swiped with a metal detector. This always worries me. We paid an outrageous cover and by the time we got inside, it was too late to turn back.
The house lights were on so we could see everyone clearly. Inside it looked as if the trailor park gates in hell had been unlocked. We were definitely the prettiest people there. In fact, between Tammy and I, we had more teeth than all the other patrons combined. And as soon as we walked in, boys' heads turned, girls' gums gnashed and we were officially the center of attention.
It was obvious we were tourists so we gave up on the slow-talking act and I promised Tammy that I would type this review really slow to make up for it. I grabbed a couple of drinks from the hillbilly bartender (who was really nice, BTW) and we commenced to drinkin'---fast.
We sat by the dancefloor where the band, Unpainted Arizona played "Every Rose Has it's Thorn" under a home-made half of a disco ball next to a giant outdoor fan. The band members were tricked out in the latest Walmart gear and fashionably sported accessories such as a glorious skull bandana.
I watched as the line of Tammy's suitors got longer and longer. She politely turned them away but they just kept coming back. She asked me for help but I didn't know what to do. I was thinking that we might have to use the old "lesbian" act to keep them away but then I remembered that lesbians are a turn-on for guys and decided against it. I didn't want to rile up the natives.
The band took a break and the fun began. We were introduced to the "Cha Cha" which is an arkansas line dance to a rappin' beat. Apparently, it is not just a song, it's a REVOLUTION. The floor was packed as the girls did an updated version of the electric slide. Tammy and I just kept on drinkin'.
A gang of big girls (350 lbs plus each) were tramped out in spaghetti-strap baby tanks and tight britches. They were obviously the belles of the ball and got nearly as much attention from the guys as Tammy was. The leader of this gang was a wild woman. She rode the pole (the fan, the chair, the table…) and flirted with every guy in the place.
Sitting near us were: the Big Girl Gang, Dude in Yellow Sweater, members of a Head Bobbin' Cult, Cooter and his hillbilly pals, The Black Tar Toothless girls, Juan Alfonso and his Buddies, Butch Black Chick, Biker Family, Old Swinger Couple, Luke-the Hillbilly Hottie and Widow Barbara with her Sistahs. (names have been changed to protect the innocent)
After the Cha Cha, we were treated to a slew of Rap favorites. The Headbobbin' Cult (featuring "dude in yellow sweater") broke it down on the dance floor and showed us how to "Back that Ass Up". Biker chick, wearing a shirt of fire, shook that bootaaaay in some tight wranglers. And Big Girl Gang Leader humped the fan before removing her shirt for the Swinger Couple. Unfortunately, I just happened to be looking right at her when it happened so I got a totally free show.
The band returned and played some Journey (Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin), U2, and Landslide. I found it funny that all the hillbillies were rockin' out to the rap and the black folks were gettin' down to the classic rock. What a nice touch of diversity in the dance space
Juan Alfonso hovered over our table every now and then. He was obviously wanting to dance with Tammy but he couldn't understand the word no. We found out later (from one of his friends) that he didn't speak English but that is really no excuse since the word "no" is pretty universal.
Cooter was relentless and would not stop bothering Tammy. He bought her roses, drinks, regaled her with tales of his thriving lawn sprinkler business, and hassled her about every 10 minutes for a dance. He would not give up. Apparently for Cooter, persistence is key because Tammy finally threw him a bone and danced with him to the band's rendition of "Tom Sawyer" and the rap version of the "Jefferson's Theme Song".
While she was gone, A BIG OLE BOY thought it a perfect opportunity to bother me. I guess if it worked for Cooter, he had a chance. But he didn't know who I (thought I) was and he looked really hurt when I told him to get lost.
Tammy came back from her dance and announced that the night would not be complete until the band played some Nickelback. (MMMM-Kay.) Then she explained that Nickelback is the new Journey and it just wouldn't be right not to hear them. Instead, the DJ played Madonna's Music and cleared the dance floor.
The Hot Springs Ho Down continued with shots of tequilla for me and some freaky fruit drink for Tammy. The band got better as the night wore on and Tammy got more roses from some other dude who was really pissed that Cooter had beat him to it. He ended up hooking up with a Member of the Big Girl Gang instead.
I went to the bathroom where I met Widow Barbara and her sistahs. She told me her whole life story as I washed up at the sink. Apparently, her husband died recently and she just wants to have some fun. I think she really "just wants to fly" because I saw her groovin' to some Sugar Ray with bald-headed man later in the evening.
Meanwhile, Tammy headed for the kitchen in search of food and I got another drink at the bar and watched the parade continue while I furiously took notes for this review. Then without warning, Juan Alfonso was at the table asking me to dance. Um, excuse me? Was he not there just five seconds earlier trying to scam on my FRIEND? Oh heeellll no. I ain't into that "Boom I Got Yo' Boyfriend" shit. I sent him on his way. But I did tease Tammy about it when she returned to the table with fried mushrooms and a hamburger.
A few minutes later, Tammy started getting pelted in the head with trash. What?! Yes, trash. Somebody was throwing shit at her. We looked around and saw the Big Girl Gang laughing so I thought it was them for sure. I turned around and gave them my best evil ass-kickin stare and said "aww heeeeeelllllll naaawwww". And before I could get out of my chair, one of the girls said, "No, hang on! It wasn't us! It was the bartender!"
Sure enough, we turn around and Mr. Bartender is just howling. Turns out, he wanted to buy Tammy another drink. 12 drinks per table are not enough in Arkansas. I will second that. Personally, I couldn't drink fast enough.
She got a Corona, of which I drank half (Hey, how come he didn't buy me one?!) and we grooved out to (you guessed it) the band's version of Nickelback's "Remind Me". The night was complete so we gathered up all of our crap and headed outside.
And that's when we remembered we had no ride back to the hotel.
(stay tuned for part 2, coming soon!!!)