Boys will be boys

[Trey Brister]

Boys will be boys
Posted: January 23, 2006
1:00 a.m. Eastern

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

Once more, black Chevy Suburbans fill the parking lot of an abandoned tavern in Virginia, not far from the nation's capital.

Within, the president of the United States sits at a table in a maple captain's chair, bundled in a wool overcoat, awaiting his guests. In quick succession they arrive: First, retired Sen. Al Gore walks stiffly into the room, followed by Sen. Edward Kennedy, who lurches against the door frame before righting himself and approaching the chief executive.

Bush rises and greets them cordially.

"Sit down, fellows," he says heartily. "The Secret Service will have coffee ready in a minute to help warm us up."

Both say "thank you" and take seats at the table.

"Guys," Bush begins, "I'm in the second year of my second term, and pretty soon folks in the media will begin to call me a lame duck, but I still hope to bring a new era of civility to Washington, and I want you to help me out."

Gore's jaw drops and Kennedy pulls himself out of his slump.

"Why should we do that?" asks Gore. "Why, you've been caught breaking the law with your illegal wire taps. We've got you on the run."

Bush chuckles.

"Why, Al," he says, "I'm going to handle that by saying I'm not subject to any 'controlling legal authority,' just the way you did when you broke the law by soliciting money from your vice presidential office. "You'll notice, I haven't come out and called you a hypocrite – yet."

"Ouch! That's a good one!" Gore replies. "I have a better defense now: The statute of limitations has run."

All three share a good laugh.

"And, Teddy," says the president, "I haven't called you a hypocrite for belonging to that 'boys only' club at Harvard. You know, the one that was thrown off campus more than 20 years ago for refusing to admit women."

"The Owls," says Kennedy glumly. "How was I to know when I re-upped last September that I'd be criticizing Alito for his membership in Concerned Alumni of Princeton."

"An organization that included women, I might point out," Bush notes as a Secret Service agent serves them coffee.

"I've taken a lot of guff about that," Kennedy says. "I've had to quit the Owls, and I have a lot of really good friends in that club. How could I have renewed just last year, and then needled Alito about belonging to CAP way back in 1985?"

"The point is, we all have things in our backgrounds we would rather stayed in the background," says the president. "I've been really good about not zinging Al about his marijuana smoking, or you, Ted, about your drinking and womanizing, and that ... that drowning thing.

"Don't you think you could play the loyal opposition with a bit more class for the next three years?"

"Well," says Gore, "we really haven't gotten a lot of mileage out of that 'culture of corruption' campaign. Instead of hurting just Republicans, we have the people thinking everybody in elective office is corrupt."

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"Maybe we could take a breather," says Kennedy. "Every time I assume the lead on the side of righteousness, I get beaten up over that ... drowning thing ... or something else unsavory in my past."

"Like that cheating incident that got you kicked out of Harvard," offers Gore, helpfully.

"Pot head," Kennedy mutters.

The men are sipping their coffee thoughtfully when there is a knock at the tavern door. A Secret Service agent opens it, blocks the entrance for a moment, then steps aside and Sen. Hillary Clinton bustles into the room.

"I heard you fellows were meeting," she says. "I guess maybe you just forgot to invite me."

"Hey!" say the men, in unison. "This meeting is for guys only!"