CP NEWS: PLUG This!

[ddm-news]

-By Naomi Baria

7:00pm. Webster Hall. Reconnaissance unit in place for what may one day be seen as a cornerstone of music history: The PLUG Independent Music Awards. The PLUG Awards—or “Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards for hipsters,” according to the night’s host, Aziz Ansari—celebrate the bourgeoning independent, or indie, music scene worshipped by America’s Converse-sporting cool kids.

Personally, CP knows squat about this indie music hoohaw. In fact, we left early to check out Ladies’ Night Strippeganza downstairs. We’re more interested in tapping into the hipster psyche, just in case they finally act on their liberal propaganda (which we hope they’ll do soon those lazy batards).

After a long night in deep undercover, CP brings you a beginner lesson on blending among the hipsterati:

1. Dress like you don’t give a s#!t

An underground scene burrowed by a generation of over-privileged, trust-fund babies fails to be underground if its followers dress the way they did in prep school. Unless your school uniform was a pair of skin-tight Levi’s, cowboy boots (Vans or combat boots accepted), a striped scarf, heavy eyeliner, and an ironic t-shirt saying, “I’m so goth, I s#!t bats.” Then you'd be money.

2. Breath, Eat, S#!t Indie Music

Indie Hip Hop and Rock take a long, slow crap the face of big labels and consumer hype. Chock-full of lyrics and themes blatantly absent from the cookie-cutter mainstream, it’s no wonder why neo-hippie rebels wallow in its neurotic, plaintive embrace.

3. Live in LES or Willie-B

Live in a gazillion, billion dollar a month apartment in them there parts and you can’t wax poetic without spitting on a hipster. Viva la gentrification!

4. Drink like a Redneck

In his natural environment, the homo hipsteratus’ usual beverage diet bares an precise resemblance to that of the homo hillbillytus: PBRs, whisky, moonshine, etc. Sadly, that swag was absent at Webster Hall, so everyone had to up the ante with Bud Light. How shi-shi!

5. Hate G. W. Bush, the G.O.P and Jesus

‘Nuff said. But isn’t it ironic that they romanticize folks that do? (See 4)

6. Whining: Not Just For Your Parents Anymore

Thirty minutes in, salty discharge starts dripping from my ocular cavity. This depressed state can undoubtedly be attributed to the cacophonous howling flowing from the army of guitar-toting waifs taking their turn on stage. CP interrupts mission to refuel on cheeseburgers across the street.

7. Don’t Work Out. Ever.

Unless you’re doing kundalini yoga or some new-age hippie crap, the hipster loves his/her figure the way nature (read: Whole Foods) intended.

8. Admire Black Culture, from Afar

Lif & Akrobatik, two very exuberant black lads, rocked s#!t with their engaging politico-Hip Hop renditions. Except for CP and few drunk groupies, the entire house either left the floor or talked amongst themselves. Apparently Hip Hop doesn’t capture the essence of unrest like wailing does.

9. Live Green, Except When It Comes to Product

You can’t look this good without poking a few ozone holes.

10. Expand Your Vocabulary

Almost all indie performers are shining college graduates with useless degrees in Philosophy, English Lit, History and Poli Sci. What better way to flaunt that dictionary of a head than with microphone and a captive audience? Well, I don’t know about you, but I prefer timeless lyrics like,” So we gonna smoke a ounce to this / G's up, hoes down, while you motherfuckers bounce to this shh...“ Now that puts the “pro” in “profound.”

More undercover hipster missions to follow once CP develops a taste for s#!tty beer and purchases better earplugs.

Thank you to PLUG for allowing our scrupulous research to continue.

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