CP NEWS: This Week in Cheddarland

[ddm-news]

-Diana Kost

Unfortunately it’s been a slow week. No overdoses. No marriages. No births. Not even a bitch fight between two blondes who don’t even have real jobs. Either way, here is some news. A daily fix never hurt anyone. Trust me. Kate Moss and I lunch.

Mary-Kate has a new boyfriend, Max Snow. He too is ten feet taller than her and appears to be a dirty hipster. At least the girl knows what she likes.



It’s pretty damn cool that celebrities adopt children the same way I buy shoes—everyday and in different colors. Madonna has jumped on the Angelina bandwagon and is in the process of adopting a young African boy from Malawi . Drama surrounds this alleged illegal adoption but all I’m concerned about is the inevitable play date with all of the other adopted lucky bastards third world Hollywood children.

Are they or aren’t they? Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn continue to bore the world with their relationship, or lack thereof. We want excitement, people. Make a sex video and move on.

Life & Style reports that Jessica Simpson hates the way she looks. Wah. Perhaps she should visit her sister’s plastic surgeon and make the natural women of the world hate themselves even more. Or she can kill her father and make us all happy again.

Britney Spears has lost her pregnancy weight. If only she would lose the dead weight we all like to call Kevin Federline. I look forward to a Britney reinvention like….like a lot. I have no analogies for you today.

Nicky Hilton broke up with Entourage’s Kevin Connolly. Why? Because he cheated on her with some fat, ugly chick who’s friends with Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari. Laguna Beach girls are like nasty water bugs and I hope Nicky regulates and pulls some hair out. At Hyde. While the paparazzi watch. And take pictures. And then point and laugh at the fat girl who just got her hair pulled out.

In Touch reports that even stars have cellulite. Yup. Mischa Barton, Scarlett Johansson and Kate Moss have cellulite! That makes me feel so much better about myself. Thank you, In Touch.

Mel Gibson apologizes for being a Nazi. I apologize for not caring.

Lindsay Lohan claims she is “an angel compared to some of [her] friends.” I have nothing to say about this lucky trash bucket.

That’s it for now folks. Stay tuned for another profound gossip round-up from Miss D.

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