CP NEWS: How (Not) to Talk to Celebrities

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-By Gina Grinstead

Admit it. Whether you have lifetime subscriptions to US Weekly, People, Star, AND Life & Style, or you’re one of those “I don’t even own a TV” types, you get at least a little twinge of excitement when a famous person crosses your path. Love ‘em (Giselle), love to hate ‘em (K-Fed), or just feel sorry for ‘em (Tara Reid), the urge to approach a celebrity can be too strong for even the most self-controlled of us to resist. The next time you must take your brush with fame to the next level, keep in mind these rules* and you might have yourself a new best friend. Or at least avoid the wrath of a bodyguard.

1. Location Location Location

The Golden Rule of “do unto others…” isn’t just for second-graders with unbridled access to safety scissors. If you spot a celeb out in the wild, say, at the gym, take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask yourself, “If I were working out with my $1,000-per-hour personal trainer, would I want a stranger to hinder the development of my flab-free abs with an autograph request?” If the answer is no, and it should be, text your friends till your thumb is sore but leave the poor movie star alone. The same applies to the bathroom and the dinner table. But never fear—there are tricks of the stalking trade.

2. Smooth Move

Every marketing exec, PR person, and loyal tabloid reader knows that celebrities love getting things for free. This knowledge can easily be used to your advantage with a little finesse. Say you’re a girl at a club with your friends and Sean Penn is sitting at a neighboring table surrounded by his friends and/or “people”. It’s difficult and awkward to infiltrate someone else’s circle, let alone a famous person’s, so get the waiter to do your dirty work for you! Send Sean over a gin and tonic and you’re bound to get a nod of gratitude, a signed cocktail napkin, and a chance to tell him how much you loved I Am Sam, even if you never actually saw the film. Which brings up the next rule.

3. Be Specific

Even celebrities need reassurance and appreciation, but “Hey, aren’t you famous?” isn’t flattering as a pickup line, and it’s not going to garner any positive attention from a star. If you don’t know the person by name or can’t name one thing they’re famous for, don’t embarrass yourself. On the flip side, if you’re sitting at a bar near a member of your favorite band and it just so happens that her singing on Track 8 of their latest album is so beautiful it makes you want to cry, don’t be afraid to tell her just that. (But maybe leave out the crying part.) There is a magical thing called a guest list, and you might find your name on it. Just try not to stray too far from the simple compliments…

4. Don’t Be “Clever”

If Cuba Gooding Jr. had a nickel for every civilian who yelled, “Show me the money!” he wouldn’t have had to make Snow Dogs. When your joke is based on common knowledge, there’s a 99.6% chance that the celebrity has heard it thousands of times before. Likewise, don’t assume that what the person does for a living is constantly carried out in real life. Never, ever ask Mike Myers to say something funny, for example. However, if you witness someone else committing one of these sins, do seize the opportunity to show the star how superior you are with a sympathetic eye roll. You understand how hard it must be.

5. Let It Go

The classic breakup advice “Some things just aren’t meant to be” certainly applies to celebrity encounters. If you followed all these scientifically calculated rules, had a little conversation, and now have visions of coffee dates dancing in your head, chances are you’re still just a blip on the celeb’s radar. Be happy that you’re a positive blip, at least, and move along. And even if you committed a faux pas, take solace in the fact that the night when Natalie Portman asked you what time it was and you forgot that you don’t wear a watch and then dropped your cell phone makes a darn good story.

*There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. Exceptions to all of these rules include Paris Hilton.

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