CP NEWS: The Ovary Party

[ddm-news]

-By Diana Kost

My boyfriend sent me a text message while out with his friends one night. “I’m coming home early. It’s a sausage fest over here!”

Great. Perhaps our little "honestly rule" wasn't such a good call. When he got home I grilled him (almost) endlessly about why he would possibly need girls when a) he has a girlfriend and b) I’m his girlfriend.

Without a hint of shame he said, “I don’t want to be looking at a bunch of guys all night. Girls just add to the décor.”

Right, okay. I understand. And the annoying part was that I did understand. Of course I didn’t let on and instead proceeded to ignore him for the remainder of the evening.

Now, why did I understand you ask? Aren’t most girls crazy raging lunatics who are willing to rip the hair out of any girl who dares to even look at their man? Well, yeah. They are. But I understand because I go out, too. And when I go out, I enjoy looking at guys. I don’t (usually) intend to speak to them. I just enjoy looking at them as they blend into the background.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped looking at guys when I went out. Not because I have morals and respect my boyfriend, but because the guys were nowhere to be found. I try to find them but I must shove five girls before I even spot a guy, and who’s to say he’s even decent enough to stalk for the night?

Now, herein lies the paradox. I can't complain too much, because if the other plethora of girls wasn't there, well, I probably wouldn't want to be there, either. They're at the club for the same reason I am: they can skip the line and get in for no cover. Yeah, it sure is lovely being a girl in New York City, but unfortunately there are a million other girls who have that same euphoric “I didn’t wait in line or pay!” feeling.

So what's a girl to do if she finds herself in the midst of the much-dreaded ovary party? Try her damned hardest to catch the attention of that sole guy dancing in the corner, that’s for sure. The following tips will help set you aside from the other ovaries dancing around your guy.

Do: Dance on a table. Or a couch. Or a speaker. Not only will you be higher than the rest of the chicks, but you’ll also have the attention of the entire club. This will give you a chance to show off your skills and give the guy you’re eyeing the “come hither” look. But make sure you’ve picked a popular spot to dance because once the other girls will see the attention you’re getting, they are sure to follow.

Don’t: Fall off the table. Or couch. Or speaker. No matter how cute you are, falling is not. You may get lucky however, because some guys do dig the “drunk girl with no balance” routine. Avoid them.

Do: Buy him a drink. Not only did he have to wait in a long time to come in, but he probably had to pay full price as well. Not to mention buying drinks for himself as well as whatever girl he’s interested in talking to. Buying him a drink will set you aside from the plethora of chicks eyeing him to buy them a drink. If it’s in a big club, hand him a drink ticket with your lip imprint on it. He’ll be so curious he’ll most likely follow you wherever you’re going.

Don’t: Send your friend to go talk to him. If you’re old enough to get into a club then you should be old enough to talk to a guy. And chances are, the five minutes he spends “listening” to your friend tell him how awesome you are will be spent devising a plan on how he could get her into bed. It’s immature and will get you nowhere. But it might get your friend somewhere.

Do: Follow him outside. Thanks to Mayor Bloomy, social hour is now officially the smoking section to the right of the entrance. Follow him outside for a smoke and start a conversation. If he’s interested, your work is done.

Don’t: Follow him around the club without speaking to him. He’s going to notice and then he’s going to tell his friends about the weirdo stalker. Keep in mind: Stalking is only safe on myspace.

Do: Dress sexy. While sexy means different things to different people, showing some T & A will definitely garner some attention, if not all of the attention. You’ve probably gone out to clubs and hated on the girl who was getting all of the attention from guys because her double D’s were high enough to scratch her noise. But don’t hate, appreciate. Ask her where she bought them/ the bra and go for it. But don’t go overboard. There’s a thin line between sexy and tacky.

Don’t: Dress tacky. What exactly is tacky? If you’ve worn the outfit to go clubbing in New Jersey/Staten Island/Long Island, then it’s probably tacky. If it’s too tight – tacky. If there so many colors that you can’t figure out which shoes to wear – yup, tacky. If somebody tells you that you look like Paula Abdul, it’s probably time to go shopping.

Do: Be nice. Truth: most girls are bitches who are trying to play hard to get. If you smile, the guy will be so shocked that he will have no choice but to come up to you. But of course, there is a rule to smiling. Three seconds and no longer. If you’re feeling adventurous, pout your lips and squint your eyes. The trick is to look like you’re not trying so practice this in the mirror before you test run it. You don’t want to look like Zoolander, do you?

Don’t: Be a sloppy drunk. The only attention you’ll be getting is from the bouncer who is poking you to see if you’re still alive. You might get lucky, however, and get hit on by the socially inept frat boy who likes girls who are too drunk to protest. To complete this don’t, throw up all over yourself and the people you’re sleeping next to.

Link To Original Article