CP NEWS: The Bad Date Escape

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- Stephanie Sims

Hey, we've all been there: Mr. or Miss Right-for-tonight seemed great at first, but now you're halfway into the most boring date of your life. You’re not even sure if you want to have sex with him/her anymore. Having an exit strategy is key for these kinds of situations, and we’ve compiled a list of the best ones to use. Some will make you look like a jerk, most will require some acting skills, and some could get you physically hurt, but ultimately, they all will get you out of that bad date.

Get a Migraine

While faking sick is too obvious to even try (what are the odds you'll develop some sort of night-ending ailment while sitting at a table for 30 minutes?), a migraine is more believable. Rub your temples, wince in agony, and bemoan all the tension in your life. If your date offers you Tylenol, tell him you get recurring migraines sometimes and you need prescription drugs because the pain is so intense. Apologize profusely for having to leave so early. If you do this with sincerity, he’ll be none the wiser.

Blame the Boss

People can be ambitious in their careers, so your date might understand this fake excuse. Yawn and rub your eyes during conversation, and talk about how much you have to do at any opportune time. You’ve hardly had any free time – add that you just barely squeezed the date in - and you may have to go back to the office tonight. Sprinkle a few key phrases into the conversation: "I've got a meeting with the bigwigs tomorrow” or "PowerPoint crashed on me today, so tomorrow I’ve got to cover my ass." Tell your date you should really leave early, right after dinner. If he does not understand, he’ll be annoyed with your constant talk of work and agree that you should leave early.

Channel Your Ex

Psycho exes could actually come in handy. During conversation, segue into what a conniving cheater your ex was and how he really scarred you. Keep talking about the subject as long as possible, then a few minutes later “notice” that your ex is actually in the restaurant. Curse to yourself about how much of a bastard he was and tell your date that you both have to leave immediately because you’re so upset.

Get Your Date to Leave

If you’re a coward and don’t mind acting like a rude jerk, try these three tactics to get your date to think he’s the one ditching out on you. First, ask the getting-to-know each other questions and take note of views on religion, politics, ethnicity, the elderly, kids and the mentally challenged. Throughout the date, make appropriate offensive comments based on his views.

If that doesn’t seem to be working and you’re halfway through dinner, be the stereotypical bitch or ill-mannered guy. Girls: scoff and roll your eyes, laugh a loud and obnoxious laugh at every space in conversation, be demanding to your server, keep checking your watch and make calls to your friends in front of your date. Guys: chew with your mouth open, belch loudly, look around the room while your date is talking to you, argue with the waiter and hit on the waitress. If you think of any other popular turn-offs for your date as she looks at you incredulously, throw them into the pot and stir. She’ll be faking a migraine soon.

Are you a nice person? You don’t have to do anything mean if it makes you feel too guilty. Try lying about your personality instead. Does your date seem to be on the crazy and spontaneous side, or is she telling you she usually stays home on Friday nights and has a few cats? Don’t appeal to what her “type” is, but act like her complete opposite. Tell her about your drug addiction, your secret wife or how you think she might be “the one.” Be sure to make it believable. This could backfire, so to ensure your date wants to go home early, nix the charm and turn on the sleaze.

Note: If your date doesn't leave when you do any of these options, he or she is probably pretty desperate. You can just take your date home and have sex.

Physically Escape

If the date is going so badly and he hasn’t even gotten a clue (your glazed-over eyes and incessant nodding aren’t clues enough), you will have to resort to physically escaping.

If there is a window in the bathroom, make sure it doesn’t have chicken wire or plate glass, according to ex-CIA agent Antonio Mendez, who contributed to the book The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook. If the window does not open, you’ll have to break it. Don’t use a bare fist or arm; the glass you break could cut into your tendons. Cover and wrap your fist and arm beyond your elbow to avoid this. If you don’t work out your biceps, the garbage can or toilet plunger are your best bets for breaking the window. Once you break the window, you’re home free. Unless you aren’t on the ground floor – if not, make sure the bathroom has a fire escape, or you’re screwed.

If the bathroom does not have a window, you’ll have to make your exit out a door. You can try to sneak through the kitchen to get to the back door, but chances are it won’t work. To make it out the front door, alter your appearance, Mendez advises. Put on sunglasses or reading glasses. Wet your hair. Switch shirts with another girl or guy in the bathroom or strip down to your undershirt. Do anything you can to make a clean exit. And when you do leave, do not make eye contact with your date and watch your step, as tripping, falling and crashing into a table or waiter carrying a tray of glasses will get you noticed.

Honesty

If you don’t want to fake a migraine, act like a jerk or possibly physically hurt yourself crawling out a bathroom window, just be honest. Your time is valuable. You could be out with someone who’s more interesting, and if not more interesting, definitely hotter. Tell your date, 'It was nice to meet you, but I just don't think we have enough in common.'" Settle the bill and get out as soon as you can.

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