Betty and Tammy's Ghetto Fabulous Hillbilly Holiday

[Electrawoman]

It has recently come to my attention that some people think my reviews are exaggerated or enhanced. Well, I am here to tell you that what you are about to read is the honest-to-gods truth!

Road Trip Trauma
For Tammy's birthday and to get away from things at home, we took a weekend vacation to The Arlington Spa in Hot Springs Arkansas. We decided it was a go-girl weekend and we were going to relax and have fun and not worry about the usual stuff (house, boys, work, etc.). I bought a spa package that included a theapuetic hot springs bath and massage for two. It was ON!

We were in my car with a broken air conditioner, a busted headlight, and a driver's side window that won't roll down in 100-degree heat. We weren't really feeling too glamorous. But we had all the right music (Rev Paul CDs plus a bunch of girly stuff like Grease and the Legally Blonde soundtracks) and we looked cute.

Tammy decided that for the true touch of Ghetto Fabulousness, we needed bandanas to wear on our heads. (just like Thelma and Louise). We searched every convenience store from here to Arkansas. Finally, we found some bandanas and settled on two. Mine had a picture of a wild indian, riding a horse and Tammy chose the traditional red.

We stopped to eat at Nana's Diner in a small town along the way. The food was great and the service was good, but when it came time to pay, we had our first problem. Tammy left her money at home and I forgot to go to the ATM altogether. Between us, we had about 6 dollars. In Dallas, this is no probem, just use your check card and be on your way. But in Podunk Arkansas, no cards are accepted. I left Tammy at the table for collateral and ran off to find an ATM machine.

While I was gone, Tammy was visited by the local police (who stopped in the diner for a bite) and I found out that, in Arkansas, you can get cash from an ATM in 5-dollar increments. I came back, grabbed Tammy, paid the bill, and sniffed the coca cola candle on the counter while we waited for our waitress to finish serving the cops. I felt bad for her. She kept giving us the look that said, "Get me the hell out of this town". I think she wanted to go with us but alas, there was no room for another angry girl in the car.

We got to Highway 7 around 9 p.m. For the next half hour, I gripped the steering wheel and tried my best to get down that street alive. The road is pitch black and VERY curvy. It is a scary road and I couldn't see more than 3 feet in front of me. What's worse is, I was leading the way with a line of pissed off drivers behind me and Marilyn Manson singing Tainted Love on the stereo. Tammy thought this would be the perfect time to tell me ghost stories so by the time we got into town, I was a nervous wreck. I needed a drink so we commenced looking for bars. Unfortunately, all the bar signs had the word saloon in them and we weren't about to go to no country bar in Arkansas. No ma'am.

The hotel turned out to be a 75-year-old historic building. It is directly across the street from Hot Springs National Park. We were also next to the aquarium and wax museum. The town looked busy with people milling around outside and in the hotel lobby bar. We quickly checked in and went up to the room.

No sooner had we set our bags down than the phone was ringing. Paul was checking to make sure we made it while Tammy tried to call Joom at Kempis. Tammy was put on hold, only to be told by Joom's bitch-ass boss, Lisa, that he couldn't have personal calls all of a sudden. Lisa needs an ass-beatin'.

The Town of Hot Springs
We quickly put on our swimsuits and headed out for the spring pools. These are the magickal pools of mineral water that are supposed to cure all your ills. People swear by them. In fact, Randy told me before I left that there really is "something in the water" and I couldn't wait to relax in a hot bubblin' tub.

There were several people in the pool and the general topic of conversation seemed to be "Where are you from and how long did it take you to get here?" Stimulating. We lasted about 20 minutes and then went on the search for fun.

By the time we changed our clothes, the whole town had died. The lobby bar was empty and the streets were dead quiet. It was 10 p.m. We walked up and down the strip and saw maybe three people. There wasn't even a restaurant open. We went back to the hotel lobby bar and tried to get the scoop on area nightlife. "What area nightlife?" was the general reponse. We read every traveler's guide and looked at all the local papers. The town has an after-hours drink permit (drinking is allowed until 5:30 a.m.) but we couldn't find one club.

The bartender finally gave us the scoop on the only two nightclubs in town (Boogies and Chill) and we rushed outside to get a cab. We decided we would go to "Chill" because going to "Boogies" just sounded wrong. The bellman called a cab and we waited.

45 minutes later, there is still no cab. We were enjoying the Arkansas wildlife as we watched a racoon traipse around the parking garage looking for food. I could have watched him all night but I could tell that Tammy was getting pissed and tired of waiting there.

The bellman came over and offered to give us a ride. Since he was a hotel employee, we trusted him and hopped into his Sleek-Ride Caddy. He put the keys in the ignition and then ran off to do "one more thing, ladies". Tammy and I were trippin on his accent and decided that we would talk real slow all night so people wouldn't think we were tourists.

He sped down the road, passing right by club "Chill". I was glad because club Chill was covered in gangsters and I didn't want to be left there. But then I started to worry. Where was this dude taking us? before I had a chance to communicate with Tammy about this possible danger and form a plan of attack, we arrived safe and sound at "Boogies".

(continued below)

[Electrawoman]

Boogies Nightclub
Security was tight as we made our way to the front door. Our purses were searched and we were swiped with a metal detector. This always worries me. We paid an outrageous cover and by the time we got inside, it was too late to turn back.

The house lights were on so we could see everyone clearly. Inside it looked as if the trailor park gates in hell had been unlocked. We were definitely the prettiest people there. In fact, between Tammy and I, we had more teeth than all the other patrons combined. And as soon as we walked in, boys' heads turned, girls' gums gnashed and we were officially the center of attention.

It was obvious we were tourists so we gave up on the slow-talking act and I promised Tammy that I would type this review really slow to make up for it. I grabbed a couple of drinks from the hillbilly bartender (who was really nice, BTW) and we commenced to drinkin'---fast.

We sat by the dancefloor where the band, Unpainted Arizona played "Every Rose Has it's Thorn" under a home-made half of a disco ball next to a giant outdoor fan. The band members were tricked out in the latest Walmart gear and fashionably sported accessories such as a glorious skull bandana.

I watched as the line of Tammy's suitors got longer and longer. She politely turned them away but they just kept coming back. She asked me for help but I didn't know what to do. I was thinking that we might have to use the old "lesbian" act to keep them away but then I remembered that lesbians are a turn-on for guys and decided against it. I didn't want to rile up the natives.

The band took a break and the fun began. We were introduced to the "Cha Cha" which is an arkansas line dance to a rappin' beat. Apparently, it is not just a song, it's a REVOLUTION. The floor was packed as the girls did an updated version of the electric slide. Tammy and I just kept on drinkin'.

A gang of big girls (350 lbs plus each) were tramped out in spaghetti-strap baby tanks and tight britches. They were obviously the belles of the ball and got nearly as much attention from the guys as Tammy was. The leader of this gang was a wild woman. She rode the pole (the fan, the chair, the table…) and flirted with every guy in the place.

Sitting near us were: the Big Girl Gang, Dude in Yellow Sweater, members of a Head Bobbin' Cult, Cooter and his hillbilly pals, The Black Tar Toothless girls, Juan Alfonso and his Buddies, Butch Black Chick, Biker Family, Old Swinger Couple, Luke-the Hillbilly Hottie and Widow Barbara with her Sistahs. (names have been changed to protect the innocent)

After the Cha Cha, we were treated to a slew of Rap favorites. The Headbobbin' Cult (featuring "dude in yellow sweater") broke it down on the dance floor and showed us how to "Back that Ass Up". Biker chick, wearing a shirt of fire, shook that bootaaaay in some tight wranglers. And Big Girl Gang Leader humped the fan before removing her shirt for the Swinger Couple. Unfortunately, I just happened to be looking right at her when it happened so I got a totally free show.

The band returned and played some Journey (Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin), U2, and Landslide. I found it funny that all the hillbillies were rockin' out to the rap and the black folks were gettin' down to the classic rock. What a nice touch of diversity in the dance space

Juan Alfonso hovered over our table every now and then. He was obviously wanting to dance with Tammy but he couldn't understand the word no. We found out later (from one of his friends) that he didn't speak English but that is really no excuse since the word "no" is pretty universal.

Cooter was relentless and would not stop bothering Tammy. He bought her roses, drinks, regaled her with tales of his thriving lawn sprinkler business, and hassled her about every 10 minutes for a dance. He would not give up. Apparently for Cooter, persistence is key because Tammy finally threw him a bone and danced with him to the band's rendition of "Tom Sawyer" and the rap version of the "Jefferson's Theme Song".

While she was gone, A BIG OLE BOY thought it a perfect opportunity to bother me. I guess if it worked for Cooter, he had a chance. But he didn't know who I (thought I) was and he looked really hurt when I told him to get lost.

Tammy came back from her dance and announced that the night would not be complete until the band played some Nickelback. (MMMM-Kay.) Then she explained that Nickelback is the new Journey and it just wouldn't be right not to hear them. Instead, the DJ played Madonna's Music and cleared the dance floor.

The Hot Springs Ho Down continued with shots of tequilla for me and some freaky fruit drink for Tammy. The band got better as the night wore on and Tammy got more roses from some other dude who was really pissed that Cooter had beat him to it. He ended up hooking up with a Member of the Big Girl Gang instead.

I went to the bathroom where I met Widow Barbara and her sistahs. She told me her whole life story as I washed up at the sink. Apparently, her husband died recently and she just wants to have some fun. I think she really "just wants to fly" because I saw her groovin' to some Sugar Ray with bald-headed man later in the evening.

Meanwhile, Tammy headed for the kitchen in search of food and I got another drink at the bar and watched the parade continue while I furiously took notes for this review. Then without warning, Juan Alfonso was at the table asking me to dance. Um, excuse me? Was he not there just five seconds earlier trying to scam on my FRIEND? Oh heeellll no. I ain't into that "Boom I Got Yo' Boyfriend" shit. I sent him on his way. But I did tease Tammy about it when she returned to the table with fried mushrooms and a hamburger.

A few minutes later, Tammy started getting pelted in the head with trash. What?! Yes, trash. Somebody was throwing shit at her. We looked around and saw the Big Girl Gang laughing so I thought it was them for sure. I turned around and gave them my best evil ass-kickin stare and said "aww heeeeeelllllll naaawwww". And before I could get out of my chair, one of the girls said, "No, hang on! It wasn't us! It was the bartender!"

Sure enough, we turn around and Mr. Bartender is just howling. Turns out, he wanted to buy Tammy another drink. 12 drinks per table are not enough in Arkansas. I will second that. Personally, I couldn't drink fast enough.

She got a Corona, of which I drank half (Hey, how come he didn't buy me one?!) and we grooved out to (you guessed it) the band's version of Nickelback's "Remind Me". The night was complete so we gathered up all of our crap and headed outside.

And that's when we remembered we had no ride back to the hotel.

(stay tuned for part 2, coming soon!!!)

[annesta]

Damn...

This review is hilarious. Especially the "Big girl gang" hahahhaha..

I can't wait for part 2!

[Electrawoman]

Annesta, your wish is my command
Betty (Official member of the Big Girl Gang)

PART 2

Walking the Streets of Hot Springs
Since we didn't have a ride back to the hotel and we knew that getting a cab would be a tall order, Tammy and I just started walking. We were several miles away from the hotel and the walk was all uphill. Luckily, it was a pleasant night and walking was sure better than standing outside of Boogies, being bothered by freaks.

We had walked about 2 blocks when we saw two club patrons on the street, one was wheelchair dude and the other was in his car talking to him.

We took a deep breath and tried to walk by as quietly as possible so as not to draw attention to ourselves. I said a prayer that we would be protected as we wandered all the way back to the hotel.

We tiptoed past the rear bumper, then made it to the passenger side door, then when we made it to the front bumper with no incident, I thought we were home free. I was just about to breath a sigh of relief when all of a sudden we hear, "Yo Baby! Where ya'll going? Need a Ride? Can I walk wit chooooo?"

We walked faster up the hill and tried to ignore them.

The car followed us for a little while then got the message that we weren't interested and took off. Ahhhhh, sweet freedom.

We sashayed up that hill, stopping every once and a while to smell the honeysuckle. We giggled about the evening and I tried not to complain about the long long walk ahead.

All of a sudden we hear this high-pitched motorized squealing sound:

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR then:

"Hey. baby"
"Hey"
"Hey"
"Hey"

I slowly turned around to see motorized-wheelchair dude, following us.

"How ya'll doin' tonight?", he asked. We walked faster. I mean, certainly, we could outrun a guy in a wheelchair if we had to, right?

There was silence for awhile then:

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
"Hey"
"You girls cain't talk to a brothah?"
(Keep walking, we told ourselves. Just keep on walking.)
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Here he comes again.

Tammy pulls out her knife and says to me, "Man, I really was hoping we could make it back without trouble. Now I'm gonna have to ruin our vacation stabbing some fool."

"What? You have a KNIFE!?" I asked. Tammy don't play!

She whipped out this huge knife and said, "I wish I had my gun. Here. hold this hamburger and my purse" OMG. Here we are in a strange town, with some creep in a wheelchair chasing us. We can't manage to outrun him and Tammy's got a deadly weapon and is not afraid to use it.

I did notice, however, that Tammy had the good sense not to ruin a perfectly nice handbag with the blood of our attacker. What a classy broad.

Tammy is my hero.

I began to sing the Wonderwoman theme song in my head as we dscussed possible names for Tammy's knife. Wheelchair guy got the message and rolled away, thankfully. And we christened the knife, Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt.

We walked the rest of the ten miles back to the hotel and had no more incidents except for a small gang of boys walking nearby who didn't bother us at all. They must have been tourists.

We bad-mouthed the town of Hot Springs the whole way back. When we finally made it back to the hotel at 4:30 a.m., we were seriously hating on Hot Springs, Arkasas. I vowed never to return to this town and thought of our old friend, Coiley who reminded us all that none of this would have been possible without "springs".

We stopped at the front desk for toothpaste and got toothbrushes with toothpaste already n them--fancy. Then wejust gave up and went to sleep at 5 a.m. I dreamed of losing my teeth and Tammy's dream featured Chandler from Friends.

I woke up 3 hours later with a splitting headache and a sore throat. I was also starving since I hadn't eaten since Nana's the day before. I tried to go back to sleep because I knew Tammy didn't want to get up that early but I only managed to stay in bed until 10.

I made some coffee and threw my bunny at her. She made a face at me and refused to get up until I promised her food. Then, we made it down to the restaurant by 11:30. We ate, then went back to sleep until 5 p.m. with plans to go to the racetrack later…

stay tuned for Part 3 coming soon!

Oh My this is a great story however if I knew that there was to be so many "parts" to it I would have protested it

as I have the Lord of the RIngs movies (how was I to know there are so many different movies and they all stop in the middle of somthing)

no more suspense pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeee

[Joe]

That review was very entertaining .... awesome review Electrawoman *thumbs up*

[hepkatmama]

i now have confirmation that arkansas is just as scary as the Dogpatch-scenario i had in mind...but you left one question...

how was the water? is it insanely hot? did you taste it? did it smell funny? i kinda want to risk the rednecks but only if the water is special.

i could stew in hot water for HOURS prune up like a raisin and be blissful........

[princess]

Originally posted by pimpstress_rae


as I have the Lord of the RIngs movies (how was I to know there are so many different movies and they all stop in the middle of somthing)

no more suspense pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeee

No shit, right? I thought the same thing walking out of that damn movie!

btw, great story Electrawoman!! Keep it coming.

[deadgirlonastick]

as Electrawomans sig says...


The suspense is terrible, i hope it lasts

yay! ihope it continues soon! i'm really enjoying it! =P

[Electrawoman]

Part 3 (It's Finally OVER!)

We headed out with only three things to do: get cigarettes, get food, win money.

First stop cigs. We checked every store from here to Hope (birthplace of Bill Clinton). They don't sell cigarettes in Hot Springs. Anywhere.

We were feeling disillusioned about the whole trip until we finally found a cool store with candy-colored wigs and feather boas in the window. It felt like home! When we went in they were playing techno (gasp)!!! We attacked the salesgirl like vultures. "Where is that techno coming from? Is there a radio station that plays it here? Where are all the cool clubs? And where can we get cigarettes?!"

The girl behind the counter sighed heavily, put the cap back on her mascara tube, smacked her gum and said, "There ain't nuthin in this town. And you cain't have that video, either". She then informed us that there was indeed a groovy club in town called Candie's but it was too late for us. We had already been tainted with Boogiola.

Our bubble was officially burst so we hung our heads sadly and wandered away.

We walked the entire length of the strip, got harrassed by cars driving by and guys hanging around outside of the titty bars, but never found the racetrack. We did find cigs, three miles down the road at the Exxon station where they were sold to us by one of the Black Tar Teeth girls from the night before. She was hungover and not at all in the mood.

We were then faced with the awesome task of providing entertainment for ourselves for the rest of the night. Since we slept all day, we had a lot of time to kill.

We decided on dinner first and nature later. We found an awesome Italian Restaurant called "Angels" where we ate like pigs until 10 p.m. We were amazed that the restaurant was open and that the food was so good. While there, Tammy and I decided that my next review is coming from Italy where we are going to eat our way up and down the streets.

We discussed it over dinner and we decided that we were trying to hard to make this vacation into something it wasn't. It's sort of like ordering spaghetti at Six Flags. You know it's going to be bad so why bother? Since Hot Springs is a town set up for nature and relaxation, by golly we were going to relax if it killed us!

So here is what we did for the next 6 hours:

1. Hot Tub with Chip and Virginia, the bikers and the mean salesman who wanted to know how much money I make. (shaaaah!)
2. Hiking Trail-and spying on the folks in the hot tub because Peeping Tommery is FUN!
3. Almost getting stuck in the Lobby's revolving door because Tammy wanted to go "together"
4. Honeysuckle Park-and worrying about getting arrested for being on the street at 3 a.m.
5. Finally realizing that no one CARED whether we were out on the street at 3 a.m. (we OWNED that town!)
6. Swimming in the Warm Pool and showing off my fabulous butterfly kick
7. The discovery of the Leaning Tower of Tree
8. Tammy's Light Show in the Hotel Room featuring "Lobe Strobes".
9. Tammy's homemade Lifetime Movie about good lights gone bad and the light-bulb cop who tries to save them… "Bad Lights Bad Lights, whatcha gonna do?" (remember folks, there was no television!)
10. A trip down the hall to get water from the "good" fountain
11. Girl Bonding, giggling, smiling all night and the discovery that it doesn't matter what you do as long as you are with the right people.

The FAMOUS Hot Springs Baths
At 7 a.m. it was time for our spa appointments so we headed on downstairs to be pampered.

The first thing we noticed was the smell. The place reeked of OLD LADY. Seriously ya'll. And we were really tired by then so it was all we could do to sit there and wait for our names to be called. We almost left several times because 1) the smell 2) we were afraid of the bath attendants and 3) we were TIRED!

Right before we threw in the (bath) towel, they called us back and the procedure began. I will assume that most of you have never done this (except for Stacey) so let me tell you what happens-step by step.

1) Shameka (aka Nurse Ratchet), the dressing room attendant tells you to take your clothes off and, if you are Tammy, you stand in there for 20 minutes wondering whether your should leave your panties on or off.
2) Shameka wraps you in a sheet like a toga and shoves you down a hall to the baths.
3) Tammy's bath attendant, Kathy (the most resquested bath lady in all of Hot Springs, BTW) asks you about your candy bracelets and witchy necklace and "why on earth did you two girls stay up all night when you are supposed to be here relaxing?"!
4) Your bath attendant, Michelle takes you to your personal tub where she has you test the water (TOO COLD!)
5) She takes your towel off and makes you get in the tub where you are then told to drink a cup of hot mineral water (to clear the toxins apparently)
6) The bubbles are turned on and Michelle leaves and tells you to relax.
7) You relax so much that you almost drown.
8) Michelle comes back and laughs at you for relaxing so hard
9) She scrubs your legs, arms and back with a scrubby thingy that feels really good.
10) You get out of the tub, go to the table, drink cold mineral water, and get wrapped in hot towels like a mummy with an ice cold towel on your face. This feels really good until the towels get cold and clammy then you flop around on the table for someone to come take them off.
11) Needle Shower--hundreds of little jets rinse off the mineral water.
12) Massage with Ronda…
13) Ronda not only notices your candy bracelets but knows where you got them and tells you her Florida travel story and some cool party stories featuring DJs whose names you would probably recognize (if I could remember them) She also gives you the BEST massage you have ever had in your life and you vow to send her a fabulous Rev Paul CD and a thank-you card.

When it was all over, we floated up to the room where we reflected on the weekend and packed for the ride. Then we left the key and her phone charger in the room (oops!) and hit the road. Tammy slept like a baby while I listened to light rock and sang Barry Manilow songs the whole way home.

Peace Out
Betty

[Electrawoman]

BTW thanks for all the love, ya'll! I will be at *Pulse on Saturday so come out and say hi!

Betty

*Pulse with dj Rev. Paul--this Saturday at Club Bacano's in Deep Ellum. (2808 Commerce, just down and across from Sandbar)

[Eminent]

I miss my best girl friend. Thanks for sharing your story with us. You should print it up and mail it to your girl friend next year at Christmas, or some other time when the memory has srated to fade. I'm glad you had a good-time.

*goes to search web to plan trip to NY w/girl friend*

[Tortures Dionysos]

I TRIED to finish this... I really did...

BUT I will have to finish it up later. Gotta go out in the rain storm... uuuuggggghhhhh.


You know what Betty... you should write books for a living. Seriously.