Electrawoman's Birthday

[Electrawoman]

THIS IS PART II

(If you missed it, read Part I in the "I 'heart' the Phamily" thread)

SATURDAY EVENING

Stacey and Kristen told me to come to Stacey's place at 4 p.m. Her explicit instructions for the day were, "wear sweats and bring something sassy for later". I had no idea what was up but I love a good surprise so I was all over it.

I made my way to Stacey's house and she was nearly jumping out of her skin with excitement. She pulls me inside and says, "Okay, first, we are going to learn to dance with Darrin's Dance Grooves". (I am sure you all know Darrin Henson, the *famous* choreographer for N-Sync, Brittney Spears and others. "Shoot", I thought, "if I could actually learn those moves, I would be Dangerous on the Dancefloor!" So we sipped on a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonades and tried to get the groove on.

Ummmm. First of all, it ain't easy to hip-hop dance. Second, it's REALLY ain't easy to hip-hop dance with a bottle full of liquor in your hands. Now, some of you are probably thinking, "well, shit, why didn't those fools just put the bottles down?" If you're asking that, then you just don't understand and never will--so I will leave you to ponder your existence while I continue the story.

After about three songs, we decided that it was more fun to watch Darrin than to actually move around so we lounged on the sofa with our lemonades and watched those fools dance and sweat without us.

Stacey told me that there is a new Fat boy band coming out. She said we should start a girl band just like 'em. I'm all over that, but only if we can do it from the couch, M-Kay?

We watched some of the MTV Cribs marathon (Tommy Lee's Purple Room ROCKS!) and then commenced getting ready for Phase II of Birthday Surprise 2002.

I decided to wear my tiara so I did my hair up in Farrah Fawcett-style wings. (this hairstyle really is the best one to show off the rhinestones.) While I was dressing, John showed up (a big surprise since he was supposed to be busy working on "The" video) I knew when I saw him that if he took a break from that project to join us, we must be on our way to havin' some major fun!

Kristen showed up and she looked cute in bell bottoms and a shiny tiny tee. Stacey sashayed down the stairs in a man-catching outfit. John told her that where we were going, she was DEFINITELY gonna CATCH and everyone thought that was hysterical for some reason. I was just scared.

The three of them snickered and giggled the whole way there. John remarked that Stacey had a stoke of genius when she thought up this idea.

We were "4 Bad Bitches" on the road (to quote John again) but I was having trouble enjoying it because I was so nervous. There was a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach. I was thinking that I might have been better off if they had just kidnapped me like that chick in the Jawbreakers movie but then I would be dead now and you wouldn't be reading this story.

When we neared downtown Dallas, they made me close my eyes because they forgot the blindfold. John threatened to smack me if I peeked. Now, I wasn't planning on peeking because I didn't want to ruin the surprise but I started to worry that I might move my face the wrong way and John might interpret it as a peek and smack me anyway. I was very nervous, so I tried to trance out like Chyna on Fear Factor (when her head was stuck in the glass box full of stinky scorpions and meel worms). I was busy meditating when we arrived. I didn't have a clue where we were.

They led me out of the car. My eyes were still closed. Now, I don't know how many of ya'll people have been blindfolded (if you have, don't tell me 'cause I don't wanna know all about your freaky sex life) but this was my first experience. You really have to relax and trust your friends. At first, I fought it but eventually I gave in and let them lead me. It was kind of cool.

(continued in new post on this thread)

[Electrawoman]

(cont'd) from previous post:

We walked and walked and walked and walked. I could hear sounds of a crowd and I started to smell meat. Scary.

We walked so much that I was really really scared. I thought for sure they were really going to embarrass me and send me out on a soccer field in front of a crowd or something.

We passed through the throngs of people and I am amazed that we only bumped into one person.

Then there was stillness.

"Open your eyes!" they screamed.

I slowly opened one eye, then the other. We were in Reunion Arena. Down on the floor were piles of dirt and beat up cars.

Holy shit.

Those bitches took my ass to a Monster Truck Rally!

and the place was PACKED!

I held on to my tiara and sat down while the girls went to get some beer and vittles. John and I spent the next twenty minutes laughing hysterically.

Now, I am not hatin' on my white-trash bretheren so don't write me back and tell me to be nice. I fully claim my ghetto status. But, these people there were amazing!

This monster truck stuff is SERIOUS business. They had on t-shirts that proudly displayed their favorite truck. The kid behind us was screaming like a wild man and the guy in front of us was VIDEOTAPING the thing. There were more people there than at most concerts we've seen.

*Tip* Shop at Walmart during Monster Truck Rally's. They won't be crowded AT ALL.

I don't know how many of you have been to a Monster Truck Jam, but I am guessing not too many of you have. So, I will describe it as best I can from a newbie's perspective.

First, they dimmed the lights and rolled out a 2002 silver Ford Focus. The crowd was silent until the hatchback popped open to reveal a car audio system like none you have ever seen. Then, there was a collective gasp and, "OOOOOOOHHHHHHH" from the fans. This tricked out car had bass bins in the hatchback and a Sony Playstation onboard ("the Playstation is not to be used while driving", the announcer clarified). The kid behind us screams, "PLAYSTATION! WOO HOO!" It was mayhem. The crowd went nuts. I was a afraid they might riot so I noted the nearest exit just in case.

The girls soon came back with loads of junk food: ghetto nachos, pizza, beer and a stuffed truck for me. Stacey said she did indeed CATCH a man at the Monster Truck Show and we were all pleased.

We settled in and then the Monsters started rolling out.

LOUDLY.

There were mini-monster trucks sponsored by businesses such as Easler Mobile Homes. Then came the BIG trucks. Judging by the reaction of the fans, there was only one truck to beat. GRAVEDIGGER was his name and STOMPIN' was his game. The crowd went wild for him. They were hootin' and hollerin' and whoopin' it up while my crew was doubled over in pain from laughing so hard. I was glad that my stuffed truck was none other than the famous GRAVEDIGGER because I think if it had been any other, I would have been beat up by the crazy mob.

All of the trucks lined up around the arena floor. Then, the place went dark again. There was slience as the announcer introduced what I thought would be the national anthem but turned out to be...

...Proud to Be an American by Lee Greenwood.

The drivers stood in sillouette on their trucks as each and every man, woman and child showed their respect for our country and Mr. Greenwood.

Then, we heard the real National Anthem (sung by a lil' ol' gal who I am sure is the world's next LeeAnn Rhimes).

The trucks took turns "qualifying". Basically, this means that they just go around and around, jumping over the pile of cars in the center of the ring. This went on for about a half-hour until the real competition began. I was ready to see some carnage.

An hour later, we are still watching trucks roll over the same flattened out cars. By now, I have indigestion from eating all that junk food. (Or maybe it was a karmic reaction for making fun of the Pumpkin Butts, Technoboy and Greenage.) Either way, I needed to get up and walk around.

I went out to have a smoke. As I walked, I noticed people staring at me. I passed the concession stands and each head turned to admire my regality. And that's when I realized that FINALLY, I had found my people. When the ruler is ready, the serfs will appear.

I strategically snapped a few pictures of the most interesting people (by pretending my camera was broken I avoided the uncomfortable looks that usually come from taking pictures of strangers while wearing a tiara at a Monster Truck Rally). Then, I made my way outside and lit up. Everyone in the smoke corral continued to stare. After finishing the smoke, I gave the people a polite Beauty Queen Wave and went back in.

When I got back, Stacey and Kristen were still laughing and John was holding his ears in pain. He and I decided to get away from the noise and go Mullet Hunting.

Having John with me made the picture-taking process a lot easier. We would find a Mullet (or someone equally fun) and John would stand next to them while I took a picture of "him". By far, the out and out winner of the Monster Truck Fashion Show was a girl I will call "Tammy". She was all decked out in some Pleather and silver lame-coated, skin-tight ROCKY MOUNTAIN pants. I can't wait to get the pictures back.

We ran out of film so we went back to our seats where the trucks were still jumping over the same flat cars.

We wondered if the novelty had worn off. It was intermission and we decided to leave until Stacey convinced us to stay and see why the crew had brought a giant tarp onto the arena floor. I trusted her and we decided to stay.

As before, the lights went out. A hush fell over the crowd and a tape began to play, "from the fiery depth of junk yard hell comes Truck-O-Saurus!" And there's a roar from the crowd as the beast comes out.

The beast is a giant van that is painted with the body of a green dianosaur. As the top of the van opens, two giant claws appear and slowly the head of the monster with glowing purple eyes appears. Fire shoots from it's butt and nose while it's mouth drips gunky slime.

The tape continues to explain the origins of the monster, but we couldn't hear it over Kristen and Stacey's screams. They were shaking and squealing and having an all-out spaz attack as we watched in horror while Truck-O-saurus ate an old El Camino by picking it up and tearing it apart with it's fiery jaws. He doesn't actually swallow it but just spits the pieces on the ground. Kristen and Stacey were still screaming while John and I laughed our asses off.

Behind us, Playstation kid says, "Shoot. I guess yawl ain't never seen anything like this before."

No, my friend. No, we haven't.

John and I try to help the girls but it was hard because we are laughing so hard we can't move. The fellow videotaping the wreckage gives us a dirty look for making so much damned noise and we realize that we had better go before it gets ugly up in there.

We take a few more pictures of folks and I wave farewell to my public as we head on out to the car. On the way, one of the doors girls says to the other, "Look at the white girl with the crown".

It's time to rec-o-nize!

We are still laughing and holding our stomachs as we reach the parking lot.

Then, we see an entire level of mini monster trucks laid out for our inspection.

[angel's chorus here]

We ran like children to the Truck Buffet where we pimped and laid up all over them while the cameras clicked. Then, we had to leave because Kristin tried to pick up one of the drivers and it was about to get weird.

We laughed all the way back to Stacey's where we prepared for Phase III of Birthday Surprise. (yes, there is MORE to come)

That is so cool.... my friends would have never been so clever, maybe that is why we aren't friends anymore....hehe....

Happy Late Birthday!

[Electrawoman]

SATURDAY NIGHT

We dropped John off and became just "3 Bad Bitches". I had a feeling I knew what was next but I decided to just wait and see.

We drove to Addison, where I was again "blindfolded" and then led to (you guessed it…) KEMPI’S where DJ Rev. Paul was already spinning one of my favorite songs. For once, I didn’t have to argue at the door to make them let me in for free because they finally re-co-nized that I am "The DJs girl" ugh. They even saved us a table. (gasp!) And William was so sweet to get me a cake.

Unfortunately, some other "bad bitches" had stolen our chairs so we commenced planning to steal them back as we met with our waitress---can anyone say "doh"? This girl was an idiot. I missed Tammy SO MUCH!

We then went to stake our claim for purse space in the booth and said howdy to Paul and Joom.

After the Monster Truck Festival, I was WORN OUT. I mean, I felt like I had been up for days and I was so tired, but I wanted to dance so off we went.

I was still wearing the tiara and, of course everyone was staring. We started to dance and strangers started coming up to me and asking about my crown. Some girl was so pleased with it that she bumped and grinded all over me just to get a closer look. Peasants.

I told everyone I was the 2002 Monster Truck Jam Princess.

They believed me.

So I decided to ride that Regal Wave all night.

Paul announced my Princess presence over the mic as the crowd ooohhhed and ahhhhed. We danced some more and then went back to the table to work on getting those chairs back.

I couldn’t believe we were actually having a good time in Kempi’s!

And that’s when everything changed.

The temperature in the club shot up to about 300 degrees. We were dripping sweat and could not cool off, even in the bathroom—which was even hotter. The crowd changed, too. All the cool people left just in time to make room for the the freaks.

I guess the freaks came straight from Monster Truck Jam to Kempi’s.

People kept coming to our table and begging for cake. I was being a benevolent princess and tried to share (I even carried some up front for Jason, A and William to gnosh on) but the demand was overpowering and I couldn’t keep up. Pretty soon, our table was CROWDED with freaks that we couldn’t breath or even see the dance floor.

Oh HELL NO!

Stacey was having a heart attack (because, like her dog Stubby, she is very territorial). Our drinks had been empty for about an hour and our waitress was nowhere in sight. The only thing keeping us sane was watching that pretty bartender, Luis, work Bar 5. (Watching Luis is always worth a trip to Kempi’s).

Meanwhile, I see this older lady stumbling around looking for an ashtray. Being a good princess, I offer her mine. She takes it from me and then asks for cake. No problem. I give her some cake, hoping that she will move her ass out of my way but instead, she parked it right next to me.

And then, invited her friends.

Pretty soon, we are surrounded by slutty old ladies and desperate men. It felt like my family Christmas.

They totally took over our space and I thought Stacey was going to lose her damned mind. We tried in vain to reclaim it by elbowing them and spitting in their drinks but nothing worked. I even pulled their hair but they were totally oblivious.

Meanwhile, freaks are coming at us from every angle. Some Lionel-Ritchie-Looking-old guy with an afro, wearing red ropers and a multicolor sweater (circa 1986) stopped by to chat. Then, a bald guy with a gold chains and a fake NY accent came by to tell us about all the things he could do to Stacey with whipped cream (ewwwwwww!).

I ran to the DJ booth for solace. However, Paul and Joom are used to this sort of thing so they just laughed at me.

Brandon gave me a break when he stopped by to wish me a happy birthday. We talked for a while about mullets until he was called away on the walkie talkie.

I went back to the table where some other old dude sat his drink down in the 2" of table space I had managed to claim for myself. I took a sip and then spit in it. Kristin just about had a stroke over that. (It’s not like I have cooties or anything). She just about died when I planned a drink-spill-attack on cigarette lady, too.

By then, I was falling asleep so we started making preparations to leave. We still hadn’t seen our waitress so Stacey went on the hunt for her bar tab to close it out.

Meanwhile, bald guy came back and explained to Kristin EXACTLY why his forearms were so big (eeewwwwwww! Ew!)

It was time to go.

Then the waitress showed up. I almost smacked her for leaving us stranded all night but I remembered that I was representing the Monster Truck Association and stopped myself.

Meanwhile, Paul was slamming some really cool records and I wondered how he manages to do it in this freak-pile night after night after night.

Eventually, Stacey found her tab and we were able to leave.

We made it to the valet where we met two really cool gay guys (where were they when we were INSIDE????) and we all danced around the parking lot waiting for our cars.

We piled in the car and got settled in when all of a sudden we were scared shitless by this tap-tapping on the window pane. What in the…?

We look up to see this HUGE black man that none of us recognized.

Like a fool, Kristin rolled down her window.

"Hey baby. I think I know you. What do you do for a living?" He asked.

Oh

No

He

Didn't!

I can’t believe that this stranger is gonna come up to the car, tap on the window and then feed us a line like that.

What’s worse is, Kristin starts telling him all about what she does for a living.

Poor Kristin. She is WAY too polite. Here is what you do in a case like this:

1. Don’t roll down the window.
2. If you do mysteriously have a brain fart and roll down the window, quickly realize your mistake and say "No, mister. You are mistaken. You don’t know me but you might recognize me from public appearances with my husband who is the World’s Strongest Man".
3. Then, vroom.

But here we are, in the parking lot with this fool who has now started begging for Kristin’s phone number while Stacey and I frantically try to drop lines about her boyfriend and big scary dog. Eventually, we managed to get rid of him and got the hell out of there.

I came home and passed out while dreams of "The" Video danced through my head.

(to be continued…)

Thanks for the laugh....

[wes lee]

great story! that monster truck part is classic ... i'm gonna have to hit up one of those sometime ...

I always dig reading your reviews of events ...

wes

Thanks for even putting me to shame...

Happy Birthday...when we finally meet I owe you a spanking....