PTSD is the fail - dangerously TMI

[cyberina]

Okay so almost 5 years ago, I was raped. We'll call him Mr. Monster for the sake of this post.

It took me a while before I was able to figure out how to successfully get it out of my head.... How to avoid reminders. The solution has proved to be a bit of a bane of my social life, but the way I see it is that real friends and othersuch decent human beings will meet me on better ground.

Every once in a while, though.... It comes up still... And every time it does, I'm buggy for weeks. (In PTSD terms, its called a trigger)

A couple of weeks ago, a girl I had never met before previously, but knows Mr. Monster, pulled me aside and quizzed me down as to what really happened because apparently there are people in some circles STILL talking about it and STILL debating whether or not it really happened, and nobody's stories seem to match. She also informed me that someone I used to consider a close friend has been spending an awfully huge amount of time with Mr. Monster lately.

This girl who talked to me about this had absolutely no ill intentions, did legitimately have a personal need to know, and was an absolute sweetheart about the whole situation. Once she realized how her questions effected me, she appologized profusely. Nice girl..... But it still served as a trigger.

For a couple of weeks since, I've found myself all kinds of paranoid...

I'm REALLY disappointed in the girl who's recently come to be buddies with Mr. Monster, and I constantly find myself questioning how she could come to be so close to him knowing what happened. (Does she somehow believe I was lying when i was shaking, broken down crying, and massively confused on all levels when all of that was going on? Is she just THAT fucking stupid to not see what happened as a sign that she shouldn't get too particularly close to this guy?)

I find myself with paranoid thought processes of all sorts in relation to Mr. Monster, my old friend, and anyone and everyone who knows either of them. I have to CONSTANTLY check myself and ask myself "Okay, is this uneasy feeling reasonable?"

I've BEEN to trauma therapy. Its taken me a long way. Far enough that I can at least attempt to look at triggers and the resulting emotions objectively.

But DAMN I want this to just stop already. Really. Its been 5 years now. I'm tired of it.

I want Mr. Monster to move far, far, far away so that eventually people will forget and the triggers will just stop coming my way.

And yes, I'm aware that just posting this much information arms people with a dangerous amount of information against my sanity...... But I'd rather vent what I'm feeling now and risk the absolute turdhead who thinks it would be a good idea to perpetuate it or judge me on it... rather than bottle up what I'm feeling lately. Sure, I'll feel buggy for a few weeks if someone pushes it in my face purposefully or unintentionally, but at the same time I'll know one more person who can be put on the "inconsiderate fuckhead of a person" list for my personal future reference.

[alexican]

wow dude, what a shitty experience to live through.

maybe you could look into support groups for girls who have been raped/sexually assaulted. i don't think there's ever going to be a point when it all just "goes away", but it might help to meet and talk to other girls who have gone through the same thing. i bet a lot of them experience triggers like what you're describing.

just curious, did you ever file charges against this asshole? this is JUST a thought, since i don't know you or your friend, but she may think it wasn't as bad as you said it was if you never filed charges. i've read articles before that have mentioned that people will sometimes take a rape victim less seriously if they decide against alerting authorities.

[alexican]

oh and i know you don't like it when we go off about your friends, but this one you're mentioning who's hanging out with the guy who fucking raped you is a fucking idiot.

[cyberina]

PS:
I'm not posting this for sympathy.

I'm posting just to vent... And MAYBE there's someone out there with similar experiences who has some reasonable suggestions for how to handle triggers.

PPS: Thanx Alexican.

[alexican]

well maybe you don't know if i'm a halfway decent person

but i am

[cyberina]

Originally Posted by alexican

oh and i know you don't like it when we go off about your friends, but this one you're mentioning who's hanging out with the guy who fucking raped you is a fucking idiot.

I haven't really hung out with her in years. she moved away, and by the time she moved back I had already arranged my life outside of her social circles to concentrate on school, avoid said triggers, etc.

Originally Posted by alexican

just curious, did you ever file charges against this asshole? this is JUST a thought, since i don't know you or your friend, but she may think it wasn't as bad as you said it was if you never filed charges. i've read articles before that have mentioned that people will sometimes take a rape victim less seriously if they decide against alerting authorities.

No, I didn't. I tried.. My cell phone was dead as a doornail that week, and my only other contact with the outside world was the Internet. I spent a couple of hours on AIM trying in vain to get people to call the cops, but the few people that DID respond during party hours on a Friday night kept saying they didn't want to get involved.

I ended up heading on in to Rocket Radio that night an absolute basketcase.

The next week, I investigated filing for domestic abuse charges, only to discover that the DPD required I either call in the middle of a domestic dispute, or go during the day and sit around forever in their offices. Work refused to let me off to do so, and I couldn't afford to lose my job at that moment....

So no.. Never any charges pressed.

[Sinner]

Originally Posted by alexican

just curious, did you ever file charges against this asshole?



i've read articles before that have mentioned that people will sometimes take a rape victim less seriously if they decide against alerting authorities.

.............................


not saying it's right, but that last sentence may give insight as to why that girl is hanging w/ Mr. Monster....

[BrandonWhat]

Why is this shitstain walking around unfettered?

*Never mind. What a shitty, backwards situation. I understand a complicated protocol when it entails putting away someone who might be innocent, considering all the myriad circumstances in which no real sexual assault was committed, but that's just fucked. Someone at that same party could've sold some pot and would still be looking down the barrel of either a long prison sentence or a probation period with a felon's record hindering progress in their lives, and some egoistic piece of shit gets a red tape pass on a sex crime.

Really sorry for that. I hope you've at least considered having him dealt with otherwise--and don't answer that if you have.

[-m-]

Letting go of the bad stuff that's happened to you is such a simple, but difficult thing to do. I should know. I've had pretty much the entire buffet of misery that life offers, and I'm completely mental because of it. I suggest seeing a therapist to help you move on. You can't change the past so the best thing to do is work on feeling better about it and growing. Just my onion.

Oh, and drop your friend.

[cyberina]

Originally Posted by alexican

well maybe you don't know if i'm a halfway decent person

but i am

LoL.. I edited that before seeing your response.. That sort of thing seems to keep happening with this thread here.

I realized you might take offense to my second post, which was not directed at you at all (hadn't read your reply yet).. Tried to backtrack, and fudged it up again.

But yeah.. You strike me as a decent person in general, who's trying to be genuinely helpful in your responses to this.

Sorry if anything I said before reading your posts might have seemed directed at you. Only the stuff I replied to with quotes was directed to you.

Everything else were blanket posts of afterthoughts.

[cyberina]

Originally Posted by MicahB

.............................


not saying it's right, but that last sentence may give insight as to why that girl is hanging w/ Mr. Monster....

She knows why I didn't call the police (which is posted above), and is in fact the first person I saw face-to-face after the experience itself.

[alexican]

Originally Posted by cyberina

LoL.. I edited that before seeing your response.. That sort of thing seems to keep happening with this thread here.

I realized you might take offense to my second post, which was not directed at you at all (hadn't read your reply yet).. Tried to backtrack, and fudged it up again.

But yeah.. You strike me as a decent person in general, who's trying to be genuinely helpful in your responses to this.

Sorry if anything I said before reading your posts might have seemed directed at you. Only the stuff I replied to with quotes was directed to you.

Everything else were blanket posts of afterthoughts.

no worries

i was serious though about looking for a support group to join. the girls who you would meet there will probably have MUCH better advice than what you'll find here about dealing with triggers.

[cyberina]

Originally Posted by BrandonWhat

Why is this shitstain walking around unfettered?

Here's one for Ripley's Believe it Or Not...

A few days after "the situation," I was DJing a gig at a popular Dallas nightclub that shall remain unnamed. During my set, he walked up to the booth and just started screaming and carrying on and pulling at the cables of my rig. Security took him away, but didn't kick him out and later approached me and told me that I shouldn't break so many hearts.

Later in the evening, at payout time, the club manager told me the same thing. "Aw look. There goes Cyberina breaking hearts again. *chuckle*"

Several months later on a night I was not present, Mr. Monster came up and poured a drink on my new next door neighbor at that same club. My new next door neighbor returned the drink pouring favor. A fight erupted. The end result was that Mr. Monster was taken into the back of the club to have his wounds dressed by the bouncers, and my new neighbor was kicked to the curb and banned.

[hepkatmama]

wow i never heard this side of the story.

you know i don't like mr. monster. my instincts went off almost immediately.

my friend asked me to go to meat beat then said he would be there & i blew off a gift ticket. she needs to deal with the confrontation & get it over with instead of avoiding him.

cause if i see him in person again, i'm going to have to get all freudian with his monkey a55. i won't be satisfied until i make him cry.

as far as ptsd goes... talking about it helps but it tears off the scab. don't feel guilty about waiting to press charges. it was a messed up situation. it hurts to feel vulnerable and when you are in shock you aren't sure how to function.

and you were shocked. no one expects to be taken advantage of. no one expects it to become your word against theirs.

i am dealing with my own ptsd lately. my scab got pulled off & i'm kinda edgy. i try to go to tai chi or yoga and get some exercise when i feel that tension. try to sweat the tension out. its the only healthy way to deal with it for me.

positive affirmations are good. remember you didn't choose this. remind yourself that it is over. don't get upset about those who question. definitely don't worry about those who deny it. there are a lot of people who love you and support you dear.

i didn't need to hear any details. if its your word vs. his, well i didn't trust him already. he just radiates negativity. everything he talks about is "poor me my life sucks & its not my fault". i've never heard him take responsibility for his situation yet. & its been years since he hurt you & the karma is kicking his a55.

please call me if you would like to talk.

[BrandonWhat]

How the fuck? Is he not aware of what he did?